De-Retiring

My wife and I fully bought into the philosophy of early retirement.  Amass enough financial assets that generate income, calibrate spending so it’s under that, and you’ll be free.

But, we knew we couldn’t be completely idle.  Two years ago, we quit our existing jobs and built/acquired a few online businesses, so that we could each work maybe ~10 hours a week and keep our minds fresh.

In the rest of the time, we’d spend time with our daughter, read, exercise, and do things that were fulfilling.

It sounded great at the time.

But it wasn’t.

What happened is that by going into “early” retirement, my mindset shifted from that of a striver, to that of a maintainer (of the status quo).

The shift is subtle but insidious.  After all, when you’ve reached the supposed finish line, how can the mind or body not help but let up a bit?

I’ve found myself approaching things with less rigor, less intense concentration than before.  I’ve found myself waking up later, making all sorts of excuses for myself – after all, I’m retired!  What does it matter?

Your standards slip because they can.  Your work ethic frays because it can.

Simultaneously, because I’m time rich, I’ve been assaulted by Parkinson’s Law, the principle that things take just as long as the time allotted to it.

With so much time, I procrastinate.  I write down three things on my calendar for the day, and sometimes I have one or two things crawl across the page from Monday, to Tuesday, Wednesday…then to Friday without crossing it off.

And sometimes those things are like, ‘mail a letter’.

The good thing is that with so much time now, I spend almost all my free time with my daughter.  So much so, that even despite all the time (mornings, afternoons, and evenings) I spend with her, I still feel like I’m not spending enough.  Because when I have so much time, why not just spend it all on her?

I feel myself making excuses, because I live in an abundance of time and resources.  I feel myself becoming a dabbler in things, like the active management of our financial assets.

But the one thing I have not become a dabbler in, is in physical training with weights and martial arts, six days a week, sometimes twice a day.  This, ironically, even though I’m at the age where I cannot become world class in either.  I find myself being bested in both by kids half my age (sigh) and I tell myself that it is a natural process of aging.

Again, more excuses.

But what I’ve realized from the physical training?  I return to it every day because I long to see progress.

Progress and personal growth are what I miss.  I miss intensity.  I miss (at least some) pressure to perform.  I miss setting crazy goals and hitting them.  I miss doing more than I thought possible.

All these things associated with work – pressure, intensity, rigor, discipline, etc., etc., are things that bring out the best in you.  And why would you not want to be the best version of yourself, always?

I’ve been looking for all of these things in physical activity, which does not seem like the best goal for a man on the wrong side of 35.

Effectively I’ve shifted from a win mode, to a don’t-lose mode.  In jiu-jitsu, you cannot win in a don’t-lose mode.  You will actually eventually lose.

In life I think it’s the same way.  Shifting into this mode has deep effects.  You become dull by just trying not to lose, or by trying just to float on the cushion created by your passive income over your expenses.  It causes you to think and act differently than when you have a livelihood, reputation, and the service of others at stake.

This mindset shift causes a sliding in your standards.  It engenders fear.  Because now you’re waiting for things to happen, instead of being proactive.

While obsessing over not losing is the primary rule for professional investors, as a general principle I am not sure it is well suited to anything else besides a life of mediocrity.

When you’re in a passive mindset, your standards change.  You’re not looking actively for opportunities.  You’re waiting.  This is lethal for a young person.

This philosophy is not for everyone, obviously.  But I don’t think early retirement is for strivers.  And ironically, I think most people who read about early retirement are strivers.

There’s not much I admire about my younger self, but I look back at the kid that was striving and hustling and willing to do what others didn’t or couldn’t do, and I admire that about him.  Now I wonder what he would think about me.  Because in the fog of the last two years, I have definitely not been doing that.

I did it wrong.  What I should have done, and what anyone else should do, is to reframe this concept of early retirement, which we Americans imbue with quasi-religious undertones: a future imagined state where you’re free of toil.

The reality is that many people die when they retire.  And people suffer from anxiety and FOMO when they feel they’re no longer relevant.

The question is not how to retire, it is about finding something that will lead to personal growth and fulfillment, at all stages of your life.

What you should strive for is not to be “free”, or to stop working/retire.  Again, as with many things, the avoidance of a thing is a subpar solution compared to the active pursuit of a some thing.  I.e., not losing versus trying to win (not working versus trying to find fulfillment).

Always strive for something.

What I should have done was to think just as hard about what I was going to do afterwards and whether I’d truly like it, as I did thinking about the financial schemery that retirement would require.

It’s trendy to bash that old chestnut, do what you love.  This has turned into a favorite straw man among self-improvement gurus and Gladwellian pivoters and unsolicited advice-givers.  Instead, “do what you’re good at”, the correctors say.  “Love what you do”, the inversionists say.  “Follow your effort,” Mark Cuban says.  But the underlying sentiment of it all is the same: find work or activities full of purpose and meaning.

The simple fact is that retirement is boring, especially when you do it when you can and should still work.  And you might not like the person you become when you do it early.  People were meant to strive and struggle against something.

Don’t retire, find fulfillment and joy in your work.  Whatever that work means.  And yes, again, I think people were meant to strive for something.

Strive.

I was foolish.  I’m de-retiring.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s