De-Retiring

My wife and I fully bought into the philosophy of early retirement.  Amass enough financial assets that generate income, calibrate spending so it’s under that, and you’ll be free.

But, we knew we couldn’t be completely idle.  Two years ago, we quit our existing jobs and built/acquired a few online businesses, so that we could each work maybe ~10 hours a week and keep our minds fresh.

In the rest of the time, we’d spend time with our daughter, read, exercise, and do things that were fulfilling.

It sounded great at the time.

But it wasn’t.

What happened is that by going into “early” retirement, my mindset shifted from that of a striver, to that of a maintainer (of the status quo).

The shift is subtle but insidious.  After all, when you’ve reached the supposed finish line, how can the mind or body not help but let up a bit?

I’ve found myself approaching things with less rigor, less intense concentration than before.  I’ve found myself waking up later, making all sorts of excuses for myself – after all, I’m retired!  What does it matter?

Your standards slip because they can.  Your work ethic frays because it can.

Simultaneously, because I’m time rich, I’ve been assaulted by Parkinson’s Law, the principle that things take just as long as the time allotted to it.

With so much time, I procrastinate.  I write down three things on my calendar for the day, and sometimes I have one or two things crawl across the page from Monday, to Tuesday, Wednesday…then to Friday without crossing it off.

And sometimes those things are like, ‘mail a letter’.

The good thing is that with so much time now, I spend almost all my free time with my daughter.  So much so, that even despite all the time (mornings, afternoons, and evenings) I spend with her, I still feel like I’m not spending enough.  Because when I have so much time, why not just spend it all on her?

I feel myself making excuses, because I live in an abundance of time and resources.  I feel myself becoming a dabbler in things, like the active management of our financial assets.

But the one thing I have not become a dabbler in, is in physical training with weights and martial arts, six days a week, sometimes twice a day.  This, ironically, even though I’m at the age where I cannot become world class in either.  I find myself being bested in both by kids half my age (sigh) and I tell myself that it is a natural process of aging.

Again, more excuses.

But what I’ve realized from the physical training?  I return to it every day because I long to see progress.

Progress and personal growth are what I miss.  I miss intensity.  I miss (at least some) pressure to perform.  I miss setting crazy goals and hitting them.  I miss doing more than I thought possible.

All these things associated with work – pressure, intensity, rigor, discipline, etc., etc., are things that bring out the best in you.  And why would you not want to be the best version of yourself, always?

I’ve been looking for all of these things in physical activity, which does not seem like the best goal for a man on the wrong side of 35.

Effectively I’ve shifted from a win mode, to a don’t-lose mode.  In jiu-jitsu, you cannot win in a don’t-lose mode.  You will actually eventually lose.

In life I think it’s the same way.  Shifting into this mode has deep effects.  You become dull by just trying not to lose, or by trying just to float on the cushion created by your passive income over your expenses.  It causes you to think and act differently than when you have a livelihood, reputation, and the service of others at stake.

This mindset shift causes a sliding in your standards.  It engenders fear.  Because now you’re waiting for things to happen, instead of being proactive.

While obsessing over not losing is the primary rule for professional investors, as a general principle I am not sure it is well suited to anything else besides a life of mediocrity.

When you’re in a passive mindset, your standards change.  You’re not looking actively for opportunities.  You’re waiting.  This is lethal for a young person.

This philosophy is not for everyone, obviously.  But I don’t think early retirement is for strivers.  And ironically, I think most people who read about early retirement are strivers.

There’s not much I admire about my younger self, but I look back at the kid that was striving and hustling and willing to do what others didn’t or couldn’t do, and I admire that about him.  Now I wonder what he would think about me.  Because in the fog of the last two years, I have definitely not been doing that.

I did it wrong.  What I should have done, and what anyone else should do, is to reframe this concept of early retirement, which we Americans imbue with quasi-religious undertones: a future imagined state where you’re free of toil.

The reality is that many people die when they retire.  And people suffer from anxiety and FOMO when they feel they’re no longer relevant.

The question is not how to retire, it is about finding something that will lead to personal growth and fulfillment, at all stages of your life.

What you should strive for is not to be “free”, or to stop working/retire.  Again, as with many things, the avoidance of a thing is a subpar solution compared to the active pursuit of a some thing.  I.e., not losing versus trying to win (not working versus trying to find fulfillment).

Always strive for something.

What I should have done was to think just as hard about what I was going to do afterwards and whether I’d truly like it, as I did thinking about the financial schemery that retirement would require.

It’s trendy to bash that old chestnut, do what you love.  This has turned into a favorite straw man among self-improvement gurus and Gladwellian pivoters and unsolicited advice-givers.  Instead, “do what you’re good at”, the correctors say.  “Love what you do”, the inversionists say.  “Follow your effort,” Mark Cuban says.  But the underlying sentiment of it all is the same: find work or activities full of purpose and meaning.

The simple fact is that retirement is boring, especially when you do it when you can and should still work.  And you might not like the person you become when you do it early.  People were meant to strive and struggle against something.

Don’t retire, find fulfillment and joy in your work.  Whatever that work means.  And yes, again, I think people were meant to strive for something.

Strive.

I was foolish.  I’m de-retiring.

Zombies

When you mention anything to him, he waves it off dismissively.  You talk about what the young people are doing.  He scoffs.  He watches Bitcoin prices obsessively – in hopes that it will fall – and vindicate his preconceived notions about it.

It’s hard to hold a conversation with him, because he sits with his arms crossed, leaning back from you in a fortress of resistance, and interrupts every few seconds.  Squinting.

He has worked a long time, a long, long time, sacrificing time with family and friends, might be on his second or third wife, and most of all – has waited.  In his waiting, he has soothed himself from vicious bosses, midnight revisions, 20-hour flights, drudgery, and the career voyeurism of former colleagues making it big – or busting, with one simple mantra.  Which was that he was on the right path.  That all he had to do was stick around, avoid conflict, and he would rise in the ranks.  Meaningfulness, in his job, has been lost decades ago.  Chaos at home, disrespect and slights, politics – against all these things he’s sought solace at work.  And has found it.

And most likely, he’s been lucky.  Lucky to survive recessions, lucky his firm was either an indirect beneficiary of the tax code or secret bailouts, and most of all, lucky to have chosen this firm, which had been a toss-up at the time.  He is lucky that the way roles and responsibilities have been divided at the firm, have likely inflated his accomplishments and hidden his failures.  He is lucky that the company has such a strong culture that likely if he does not exist, the firm would do just as well.  But he does not believe in such things as luck.

By his will and determination alone, he has made it.  He’s a partner, director, C-suite exec, producer, whatever.  And now, the decades of self-soothing and justification have paid off, and because it’s no longer necessary, he has let the motivational rafters, break.

And thus other things have broken.

He is impatient, he does not listen past a few sentences.  He listens and reads only things that confirm his worldview and soothe him.  Things are put neatly into binary categories, the simplest of which is good and bad, useful and worthless – especially when it comes to people.  In the decades he has spent supporting his fragile, illusory motivations, his logic has turned to cobwebs.  His empathy does not exist.  His ability to listen is gone.  He knows everything already, does not need to change himself, his diet, his friends, his opinions, anything.

He knows everything.  He is already dead.

Kids, don’t be like these men.